MEMORANDUM TO: All employees
SUBJECT: Revised Retirement Plan
As a result of the reduction of money budgeted for departmental areas,
we are forced to cut down on our number of personnel.
Under this plan, older employees will be asked to go on early
retirement, thus permitting the retention of the younger people who
represent our future plans.
Therefore, a program to phase out older personnel by the end of the
current fiscal year, via retirement, will be placed into effect
immediately.. This program will be known as Retire Aged Personnel Early
Employees who are RAPED will be given the opportunity to look for other
jobs outside the company. Provided that they are RAPED, they can request
a review of their employment records before actual retirement takes place.
This phase of operation is called Survey of Capabilities of Retired Early
All employees who have been RAPED or SCREWED may file an appeal with
upper management. This phase is called Study by Higher Authority Following
Termination (SHAFT). Under the terms of the new policy, an employee may be
RAPED once, SCREWED Twice, but may be SHAFTED as many times as the company
If an employee follows the above procedures, he/she will be entitled
to get Half Earnings for Retired Personnel's Early Severance (HERPES) or
Combined Lump-sum Assistance Payment (CLAP), unless he/she already has
Additional Income from Dependents or Spouse (AIDS). As HERPES and CLAP
are considered benefit plans, any employee who has received HERPES or
CLAP will no longer be RAPED ore SCREWED by the company.
Management wishes to assure the younger employees who remain on
board that the company will continue its policy to ensure that employees
are well trained through our Special High Intensity Training (SHIT).
The company takes pride in the amount of SHIT our employees receive.
We have given our employees more SHIT than any other company in the area.
If any employee feels he/she does not receive enough SHIT on the job, see
your immediate supervisor. Your supervisor is especially trained to make
sure you receive all the SHIT you can stand.